Fear:

I think too often we associate fear as a negative response that which carries with it a feeling of isolation and sometimes even shame. I think ideally as individuals we should strive to accept fear as simply, a survival instinct that has evolved into something much more, a consciousness of self worth. Fear plays a major role in how we respond to the environment of any given situation. Whether it be social anxiety, fear of failure, or even fear of death in dire situations, fear is a driving force in which individuals learn to adapt to survive. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier to cope with the fact that fear can lead to inward struggles of doubt and sadness as well. This is because fear can take on many forms of negativity given the mindset of the individual. Too often, especially for artists, a constant stream of failures or denial of self worth can lead to a very negative, often insurmountable feelings of the loss of self worth. This why so often you see artists turn to substance abuse or quit the business altogether, because they cannot deal with the negative repercussions to their self esteem/ ego. This is where the fear of not being good enough, or the fear of no longer being relevant can play a major part in artist's lives, because without these affirmations the artist can no longer find any self worth. This is a scary, but true realization that all artistically minded individuals must struggle with at some point; Am I good enough, I'm afraid I've become creatively stagnant with my art, what do I do now? This is what happens when fear becomes an overwhelmingly negative force that will beat you to the ground if you let it. Now, I by no means claim to have figured out the key to manipulating my fears and turning them into positive energy. I do however believe that there is a positive way to approach thoughts of negativity in relation to fears that may crop up in our lives. Social anxieties, stage fright, the fear of illness and death, yeah this stuff happens, we think about these things because we are human. It is in our nature to want to preserve our lives in the most positive way possible. The issue is that fear has evolved along with mankind, fear is no longer associated with, run from big animals trying to kill you. It has taken on a more internal form given the fact that we no longer have just a few basic human needs to satiate, we now have an expansive list of needs that we as a society have created for ourselves in order to live comfortably. So as with anything we can't fully comprehend, we begin to fear that sense of the unknown and given the very nature of human existence this fear of not knowing can be maddening to say the least. I have experienced this form of fear on several occasions and more often than not, even though I may not have wanted to confront it, I have persevered and moved forward through the darkness despite the lack of light to guide my way. Throughout my life I've made choices that have brought me to where I am, sometimes good, sometimes not so good. However, it was instilled in me through my upbringing that you should always 'look before you leap'. I always have a plan for the next big step, yet there is always a fear of failure, or regret that perhaps I will be making the wrong decision or that I'll regret leaving behind what feels comfortable or safe. The reality is, that those moments we choose to change are the real moments that define us. The basic human nature of not remaining content is what drives the fear away when it seems to be holding us back. Having the will to persevere and not look back is sometimes all it takes to turn fear into fuel to ignite the spark of life you need, right when you need it.

In regard to Anger:

I found that this particular topic struck an unexpected chord with me and I'm still not 100% certain that I can articulate why. I found it interesting to hear that most everyone in class expressed that they deal with anger through internalization and suppression. I think that really says something about our roles in society and how certain standards dictate who we believe we are. I am not a person who is prone to outbursts by any means, I could count on one hand how many times I've actually had a moment of expressing my anger outwardly. The reality hit me that, because of our socially defined rules we feel that we are expected to suppress these emotions and not allow them to break our composure defined as the social norm. Those moments in which an individual breaks out of themselves and outwardly expresses anger are typically met with a wide array of emotional responses in return, because seeing anger not only shocks others, it stirs in them a reactionary instinct that goes back to basic primal survival needs. Also on the flip side of the coin it could be argued that the suppression of anger can actually be a good thing, sometimes the ability to push aside those feelings can allow rational thought to dictate choices in a given situation that could be as serious as life or death. Going back to my personal experience with anger........I was basically brought up with the mindset of picking your battles and suppressing anger by always trying to remain as logical as possible in a situation that might evoke such strong emotions. I don't think I was ever sat down and talked to specifically about this, but I know that I've modeled myself after my parents in most regards so I would say that I somehow formed this assessment by years of observation. I can also remember instances growing up, getting into altercations with students in school in which I learned the hard way that it's not always easy to push emotion aside/manage feelings of anger. I recall a few minor fights with kids in which I let my emotion get the best of me and wound up embarrassing myself, because I had never been in a fight before and I was just letting anger fuel a fire that had no business burning. Really though, I would say that my life was free from anger growing up for the most part and I am very fortunate to have had and still have a great family that have always been supportive to what choices I made along the way. I would say that my turning point came several years ago, after ending a four year relationship with my girlfriend which was a total blindside experience to me. Obviously given the non-mutual nature of this split I was very upset and dealt with a lot of anger and other irrational emotions. This event changed me, it made me realize that people who you truly believe you trust, can turn on you and fully betray that trust without remorse. I can honestly say that this realization of human fallibility hurt me more in the long run than the actual breakup. I find that I still internalize a lot of my anger, when and if I experience it, I have a conscious sense of knowing that there are certain things I will allow myself to be angry about and I find that this compartmentalizing helps manage irrational feelings to a certain degree. I'm well aware that this doesn't work for all individuals and it may not even be a good way to approach these emotions, but I'm not sure that other approaches would work for me. In regard to the artistic application of anger I would say that my experience in the rehearsal process has been minimal at best. The productions I had a chance to be a part of went rather well overall and never saw any form of altercation that reached a point of anger. In my performances, more so on film I have leaned more towards violent characters who tend to lash out unexpectedly. Interestingly enough, last semester I worked on a student film in which I portrayed a low level murderous thug who tends to be hot headed and fly off the handle. Anyone who knows me would probably agree that those aren't exactly my personality traits....anyway, in one scene my character and the other two thugs he works with are supposed to take this guy out and instead at the last minute they get the order to spare the guy. Well, this guy starts prodding my character and so I'm supposed to lash out with my knife and kill him. On the first take I did this scene without prior rehearsal and as I did performed my actions a burst of anger came out of me and I lost my actor focus for a minute and the anger became real of an emotion as can be described. As I feigned stabbing the actor I barked out some obscenities dropped his; still in character body to the floor and exited the scene leaving my fellow actors taken aback by this outburst as they halfway broke character for a split second. As the director yelled cut you could feel an uneasiness in the room, I'm not meaning to imply that my acting was so outstanding that people were dumbfounded, my point is that everyone including myself, was not expecting to see or feel the way we did in that moment. The anger that came out of me was a strangely cathartic for me which is interesting to note, but it also took me aback as well, because I was surprised just how dangerously close to feeling real that moment became. Anyway, I digress, but I shall leave you with the sage advice of Master Splinter from Ninja Turtles lore, " Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward, it is an unconquerable enemy. Possess the right thinking. Only then can one receive the gifts of strength, knowledge, and peace."