From 2009 to 2012 I slowly found myself slipping further and further down the rabbit hole of a dead end job at the YMCA in Shreveport and it made me question everything about myself up to that point. I had become so lost at the job that I had not only grown accustomed to the fact that I was stuck there, but I began to accept that there would no longer be any opportunity for advancement. This feeling of loss stemmed further in that I began to face feelings of a loss of self worth and I started to just accept that whatever talents I might have had where just going to be wasted. I really had lost myself for a time and not only that the person who I was becoming was becoming unrecognizable and I didn't care for him at all. I went to work I came home, and I repeated and I resented the fact that that I was settling and this 9 to 5 routine of loneliness was starting to just, take over my life. This is likely the best example I have of a time in which I experienced a Kriya in the manner that Cameron describes was when I was faced with the decision to leave the job on a hope and a prayer that my plan to return to school would pan out. I knew that it was not going to be an easy decision, one that would likely lead me into a relatively uncertain future and so I struggled with the decision for a while. Ultimately when I made the decision to just go for it I felt an incredible sense of uncertainty yes, but more than anything there was a level of freedom that I had never felt before and even that alone was worth the feelings of fear and doubt.
My hope at this point for me by the time I'm 50, will be that I can look back and see some, hell, any accomplishments in film whether mainstream or independent that I can be proud of both in front of and behind the camera. If I can be a steady working Actor or Director, that would be phenomenal. By the time I'm 80 I would hope that I will have had a career in film that spanned decades back with my time at LSU serving as the vaulting point at which my life changed for the better. I hope that I will have continued down the path that brought about the least amount of regret for missed opportunities or relationships, as it has thus far. I can only hope that I can be happy and look back with a fondness for how it was, an appreciation for how it is, and a hope for peace for how it will be.
Ha, man I was a weird kid. I usually isolated myself from others, but I had friends and often incorporated the things I liked into time spent with them.....Yet, the best memories I have, are of me and an 8mm camera making dinky little movies with my toys or with me acting.....most of the time I was doing so by myself. The only world I've ever known is a world that is engulfed in a love and passion for movies and the magic that resonates from the stories films create. Movies are what have defined me, I have an incredibly strong connection that stems all the way back to being a child when my grandfather and I would go see countless movies on a regular basis. This is how it started and from as early as 5 years old movies and television have truly defined me and helped shape me into who I am today. So when I look back at myself at 8 and realize that while I'm taller and yeah, maybe a little more jaded, I haven't lost that sense of what defines me and makes me happy, so I must be doing something right.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Shame:
I tend to lean towards agreeing with the concept that shaming someone stems from that individual's intent to initially hurt you. Shame is dangerous because it is a form of betrayal amongst our peers. There is an unwritten agreement between individuals that states, keep my personal stuff private and typically shaming someone focuses on a person's weaknesses. Shame usually rears its head in instances in which people offend someone on a very personal level in these instances because emotions run high and dictate response oftentimes the victim can either remain the victim or become a prosecutor themselves. When an individual intends to hurt someone else they tend to bring up something about that person that will bring them shame or embarrassment. We see examples of this in the media all the time, from political scandals to Hollywood intrigue. Shame is just another way people make individuals feel bad about themselves in order to take the spotlight off of their own shortcomings. And really I think that is what it boils down to, shaming someone is essentially a defense mechanism for the insecure, implemented in order to take the spotlight off of them. The person who has been shamed on the other hand can either admit to said fault or ignore it, either way they must deal with the repercussions directly. Yet, it's interesting to note that, the only reason they must face the fallout of their shaming is in order to make clear with society where they stand on the matter. Shame is a shared response, you feel the shame because you know others are aware that you're shameful. I think there is a lesson to learn there; in that, to some degree we should stop putting so much emphasis on what others think about us in order to ensure we are living our lives on our terms. I think a decent sense of self consciousness is a good thing, because it helps to further define you. However, the people who let other people's opinions of them dictate their way of life should truly reconsider where their priorities lie or they shall never live a healthy satisfied life.
I cant seem to recall any specific moments in my life where a person has tried to shame me in order to make themselves look better, but I know that it happened to me quite a few times growing up. Particularly instances in which I was picked on, which were all fairly minor instances, but I can recall a few in which the individual was likely doing so because they had their own insecurities to deal with and they were projecting that onto me.
I think there actually is a difference between the implications of shame and guilt, but the two go hand in hand with realizations of our insecurities. Shame is just another form of guilt in a way and vise versa. Typically these two feelings draw off one another, it just depends on how the person can quantify their feelings in a personal way and determine whether or not these feelings will motivate them to make up for, or move on from their actions. So really, the question is more like, what is the Reaction To shame or guilt and is it the same if an individual feels more one way or the other. For instance, if I feel guilty that I stole a car because I know I shouldn't have and I also feel shame because I know the individual whom I stole it from; the feelings are incredibly similar, yet either way these feelings mean nothing if I don't take action and decide to turn myself in, or just bottle the emotions and move on. I guess my point is that no matter what emotions we experience, it's the actions that truly define us. And that before we can ever make any progress in life, we must choose to make sense of our emotions and act upon them through rational thought, first and foremost.
I tend to lean towards agreeing with the concept that shaming someone stems from that individual's intent to initially hurt you. Shame is dangerous because it is a form of betrayal amongst our peers. There is an unwritten agreement between individuals that states, keep my personal stuff private and typically shaming someone focuses on a person's weaknesses. Shame usually rears its head in instances in which people offend someone on a very personal level in these instances because emotions run high and dictate response oftentimes the victim can either remain the victim or become a prosecutor themselves. When an individual intends to hurt someone else they tend to bring up something about that person that will bring them shame or embarrassment. We see examples of this in the media all the time, from political scandals to Hollywood intrigue. Shame is just another way people make individuals feel bad about themselves in order to take the spotlight off of their own shortcomings. And really I think that is what it boils down to, shaming someone is essentially a defense mechanism for the insecure, implemented in order to take the spotlight off of them. The person who has been shamed on the other hand can either admit to said fault or ignore it, either way they must deal with the repercussions directly. Yet, it's interesting to note that, the only reason they must face the fallout of their shaming is in order to make clear with society where they stand on the matter. Shame is a shared response, you feel the shame because you know others are aware that you're shameful. I think there is a lesson to learn there; in that, to some degree we should stop putting so much emphasis on what others think about us in order to ensure we are living our lives on our terms. I think a decent sense of self consciousness is a good thing, because it helps to further define you. However, the people who let other people's opinions of them dictate their way of life should truly reconsider where their priorities lie or they shall never live a healthy satisfied life.
I cant seem to recall any specific moments in my life where a person has tried to shame me in order to make themselves look better, but I know that it happened to me quite a few times growing up. Particularly instances in which I was picked on, which were all fairly minor instances, but I can recall a few in which the individual was likely doing so because they had their own insecurities to deal with and they were projecting that onto me.
I think there actually is a difference between the implications of shame and guilt, but the two go hand in hand with realizations of our insecurities. Shame is just another form of guilt in a way and vise versa. Typically these two feelings draw off one another, it just depends on how the person can quantify their feelings in a personal way and determine whether or not these feelings will motivate them to make up for, or move on from their actions. So really, the question is more like, what is the Reaction To shame or guilt and is it the same if an individual feels more one way or the other. For instance, if I feel guilty that I stole a car because I know I shouldn't have and I also feel shame because I know the individual whom I stole it from; the feelings are incredibly similar, yet either way these feelings mean nothing if I don't take action and decide to turn myself in, or just bottle the emotions and move on. I guess my point is that no matter what emotions we experience, it's the actions that truly define us. And that before we can ever make any progress in life, we must choose to make sense of our emotions and act upon them through rational thought, first and foremost.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
The Crazymakers: a.k.a, another post in which I ramble on........
The individuals in the film industry that would likely be labeled crazymaker, amongst other things, would display personality traits of a sociopathic nature in which they exude a lack of remorse towards others misfortune and are all but incapable of empathizing with other individuals. I have seen this on display to some degree in the little professional experience I have had on film sets and any time I see this lack of care towards other people it always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I find that these individuals are likely very unhappy with their lives and so they typically feel that other people's misfortune is actually something that they feed off of in order to feel better about their own troubled life. In my opinion this is the worse kind of crazymaker in that, this individual is capable of damaging relationships permanently because they are not willing to care for others. It's typically easy to spot these individuals because they are usually hostile when interacting with others on set and tend to alienate people in order to make a point. This form of crazymaking is just as volatile in this instance, because in a professional setting there is typically a trickle down effect that winds up causing problems with more than just the individual directly involved. An interesting thing to me is how I could even argue that the way the industry is set up actually feeds the crazymaker personality. The fast paced, always changing, sometimes hostile environment becomes a breeding ground for individuals to use and abuse power sometimes just for the sake of doing. I believe this occurs because sometimes crazymakers work their way up through manipulation and deceit, then find themselves in a position of power and continue to abuse their underlings just because they can. As you might imagine this creates a very hostile work environment and often times that is the case on a film set in which the higher ups cause more problems than fix them.
When I think back to crazymakers that I've come across in my personal life there are fortunately only a few shining examples that come to mind. Fortunately these individuals where just people I thought were my friends, not family members and I was able to distance myself from them after realizing their nature. Even still, the crazymakers in my life have been the lesser evil compared to the true definition of the term. There were two friends in particular that I had come in to my life several years back that just wanted to make people miserable because that's how they felt. These guys were just the type to never be satisfied with anything and they wanted to project this disappointment onto their friends. It got to the point to where I realized that there was no friendship I could give back to them that would ever be good enough. So eventually I had to distance myself from these people otherwise I would find myself circling the bowl of depression along with them. It's sad when this happens because I always tend to look for the best in people despite the blaring shortcomings and especially in this situation where these people were my friends, I always felt that I could help. The realization I had is that some people just don't want to be helped and I believe this could be considered another form of what defines a crazymaker. I haven't had to deal with any of this type of drama in my family fortunately but I have friends who have family members that are the very definition of a crazymaker and this concept has always felt foreign to me given that my family is so very close. I just think it's incredibly sad that a person whom you should trust and be close to, can essentially betray you and make you feel insignificant. I know it's a bleak perhaps extreme way to deal with the situation, but I truly believe that after a certain amount of time the only thing you can do is sever ties with these individuals. I also recognize the fact that it's easy for me to say because I don't have family members like this, but again, if an individual isn't willing to help themselves then there's only so much you can do.
The individuals in the film industry that would likely be labeled crazymaker, amongst other things, would display personality traits of a sociopathic nature in which they exude a lack of remorse towards others misfortune and are all but incapable of empathizing with other individuals. I have seen this on display to some degree in the little professional experience I have had on film sets and any time I see this lack of care towards other people it always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I find that these individuals are likely very unhappy with their lives and so they typically feel that other people's misfortune is actually something that they feed off of in order to feel better about their own troubled life. In my opinion this is the worse kind of crazymaker in that, this individual is capable of damaging relationships permanently because they are not willing to care for others. It's typically easy to spot these individuals because they are usually hostile when interacting with others on set and tend to alienate people in order to make a point. This form of crazymaking is just as volatile in this instance, because in a professional setting there is typically a trickle down effect that winds up causing problems with more than just the individual directly involved. An interesting thing to me is how I could even argue that the way the industry is set up actually feeds the crazymaker personality. The fast paced, always changing, sometimes hostile environment becomes a breeding ground for individuals to use and abuse power sometimes just for the sake of doing. I believe this occurs because sometimes crazymakers work their way up through manipulation and deceit, then find themselves in a position of power and continue to abuse their underlings just because they can. As you might imagine this creates a very hostile work environment and often times that is the case on a film set in which the higher ups cause more problems than fix them.
When I think back to crazymakers that I've come across in my personal life there are fortunately only a few shining examples that come to mind. Fortunately these individuals where just people I thought were my friends, not family members and I was able to distance myself from them after realizing their nature. Even still, the crazymakers in my life have been the lesser evil compared to the true definition of the term. There were two friends in particular that I had come in to my life several years back that just wanted to make people miserable because that's how they felt. These guys were just the type to never be satisfied with anything and they wanted to project this disappointment onto their friends. It got to the point to where I realized that there was no friendship I could give back to them that would ever be good enough. So eventually I had to distance myself from these people otherwise I would find myself circling the bowl of depression along with them. It's sad when this happens because I always tend to look for the best in people despite the blaring shortcomings and especially in this situation where these people were my friends, I always felt that I could help. The realization I had is that some people just don't want to be helped and I believe this could be considered another form of what defines a crazymaker. I haven't had to deal with any of this type of drama in my family fortunately but I have friends who have family members that are the very definition of a crazymaker and this concept has always felt foreign to me given that my family is so very close. I just think it's incredibly sad that a person whom you should trust and be close to, can essentially betray you and make you feel insignificant. I know it's a bleak perhaps extreme way to deal with the situation, but I truly believe that after a certain amount of time the only thing you can do is sever ties with these individuals. I also recognize the fact that it's easy for me to say because I don't have family members like this, but again, if an individual isn't willing to help themselves then there's only so much you can do.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Post 3: The Super Late Edition.
This is absurd, I'm having a really hard time thinking of an example for a moment that some form of criticism rocked me or made for an impactful moment in my life and I know there has got to be something....... I'm sure there is a moment along the way that occurred, but I'm afraid whatever it was did not leave a lasting impression enough for me to have remembered. I have definitely had moments where I felt that my work or the expression of my craft failed to live up to the expectations that I expected from my peers. I know exactly what it feels like to put something out there and not get hardly any feedback at all, which to me is almost just as if not worse than receiving negative feedback. I think that I typically tend to take all criticism or praise or whatever it may be with a grain of salt, perhaps its just a level of cynicism that I've reached in my life but I tend to shy away from taking word at face value. By this I mean, passing comments or impromptu conversations that don't last long and equate to just small talk nonsense that doesn't benefit either person involved. I typically loathe the very concept of small talk or conversing just to fill the silence. To me that's what passing criticism typically winds up being; forced or just banter that is brought about by a need to not only fill the void, but to placate the other person in order to avoid an awkward situation. This is true of most individuals, but not all. I truly admire people who cut through the bullshit and are completely honest, but particularly those who do it in the most considerately genuine and constructive way.....which is not easy. I tend to be the person who doesn't want to make things awkward when it comes to those passing conversations or really confrontations. However, if you get me in a quiet place and talk to me one on one, I will typically open up and have a genuine conversation that I feel will actually bring about constructive feedback that I feel is genuinely expressing my stance on the matter.
The one thing you have to learn in life is how to take a punch and get back up on your feet. Life is full of punches and sometimes you're going to get hard and you may even get knocked out, but the main thing to remember is that you can always get back up if you believe you can. In the industry we've chosen there will always be people who don't like you, who are envious or jealous of you etc. There is no way you will get anywhere in life if you allow the opinions of others to make you stagnant in your life and career. Take both the constructive criticisms and harsh scathing comments in stride and remember that you can learn from the bad experiences even more than you can from the good.
Fortune Cookie Wisdom:
Without moments of failure, one cannot recognize what it truly means to succeed.
This is absurd, I'm having a really hard time thinking of an example for a moment that some form of criticism rocked me or made for an impactful moment in my life and I know there has got to be something....... I'm sure there is a moment along the way that occurred, but I'm afraid whatever it was did not leave a lasting impression enough for me to have remembered. I have definitely had moments where I felt that my work or the expression of my craft failed to live up to the expectations that I expected from my peers. I know exactly what it feels like to put something out there and not get hardly any feedback at all, which to me is almost just as if not worse than receiving negative feedback. I think that I typically tend to take all criticism or praise or whatever it may be with a grain of salt, perhaps its just a level of cynicism that I've reached in my life but I tend to shy away from taking word at face value. By this I mean, passing comments or impromptu conversations that don't last long and equate to just small talk nonsense that doesn't benefit either person involved. I typically loathe the very concept of small talk or conversing just to fill the silence. To me that's what passing criticism typically winds up being; forced or just banter that is brought about by a need to not only fill the void, but to placate the other person in order to avoid an awkward situation. This is true of most individuals, but not all. I truly admire people who cut through the bullshit and are completely honest, but particularly those who do it in the most considerately genuine and constructive way.....which is not easy. I tend to be the person who doesn't want to make things awkward when it comes to those passing conversations or really confrontations. However, if you get me in a quiet place and talk to me one on one, I will typically open up and have a genuine conversation that I feel will actually bring about constructive feedback that I feel is genuinely expressing my stance on the matter.
The one thing you have to learn in life is how to take a punch and get back up on your feet. Life is full of punches and sometimes you're going to get hard and you may even get knocked out, but the main thing to remember is that you can always get back up if you believe you can. In the industry we've chosen there will always be people who don't like you, who are envious or jealous of you etc. There is no way you will get anywhere in life if you allow the opinions of others to make you stagnant in your life and career. Take both the constructive criticisms and harsh scathing comments in stride and remember that you can learn from the bad experiences even more than you can from the good.
Fortune Cookie Wisdom:
Without moments of failure, one cannot recognize what it truly means to succeed.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)