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So, me at the beginning of 2014 fall semester....wow, so much has changed in such a small amount of time. The biggest difference by far is the breath of fresh air addition of Josh Overbay to the theatre department. The fact that Josh came in and did as much as he did is such an overwhelmingly positive change that I truly didn't expect to happen. The fact that I went from not having any experience acting in film roles summer of 2014 to being in three different films by the end of the year was just an unexpected amazing surprise that I could never have expected and yet it happened because of the opportunities presented to me by a new and very talented new film professor. Not only was I able to get time in front of the camera, I was also able to work behind the scenes and get technical hands on experience with nice professional film equipment. These experiences were invaluable in my time at LSU and honestly the last thing I expected to have happen given the fact that I had devoted a year and a half to thinking LSU had nothing to offer to me but strictly theatre experience and there would be no more than an inkling of film experience at the end of my time here. Thankfully I can now walk away from LSU with a completely different outlook. At the beggning of my time here I never would have expected to have garnered such a well rounded experience for myself. I honestly thought coming in to LSU that I would walk away with a basic understanding of theatre and film and instead I feel that I have learned so many different facets of both film and theatre. There have been classes that I've felt were a waste of time in the process, but even still, I have been able to take something away from them if only just good memories working with my peers. When I look back at me in class during January 2013 and look at myself now I find it hard to believe it's all coming to an end. That first semester the entire department and myself were in a completely different mindset. So much has changed and I'd say overall, for the better. I can say however that I wish Josh could have shown up earlier during my time here, or even more so I would wish that the film concentration would have been further established before my coming here. Honestly though, I believe everything worked out for me the best it could while I was here and really, I wouldn't change a thing. One thing that surprises me about myself is that I still allow myself to stress easily about looming projects or deadlines. I don't handle that very well, I never have. Actually stress isn't necessarily the right word. More so, I get anxious about deadlines, I really don't like to have something hovering over my head. If I have to get something done I typically do it immediately. I haven't learned to handle things that require patience over quick completion very well. While I was presented with several opportunities to prepare better for looming deadlines or projects that resulted in a bit of anxiety I typically had the mindset of "I just want to get this done" as opposed to " I look forward to completing this" which I would really like to change. While I feel coming back to college helped me get better at managing this mindset, it didn't really bring forth a change of mind that I might have liked. Regardless, my time at LSU has definitely changed me for the better and I will always look back at my time here with a fondness that I will never forget.

Yet again, I have fallen behind on my blogging duties so this one will be short and sweet. I too was a part of the movie screenings two weeks back and even though I was in several of these short films; I too recognized that there was an all too familiar theme to these movies. That of gun violence and female characters being portrayed as lynch pins in order for the male protagonists to undergo a significant character arch. I think the exception to this rule came with Heavy Eyes in which the female protagonist was the main character and she was put forth in order to progress the story. Yet even still the character was basically a pawn in which the male characters used in order to undergo a significant change. I think part of this is because the filmmakers we have in our department are mostly male, for the most part. However, I have been present in Josh's digital post production class and I have seen many wonderful films that these students produced as an assignment. The class is pretty evenly split in terms of gender and both the male and female students have put forth some wonderful films that have had both female and male protagonists that don't rely on violence or other negative stereotypical tropes to move the story forward. My conclusion is, that when the student film maker feels they have to make a poignant serious film they need strong images of violence, alcohol abuse etc in order to get the point across. Yet, when they feel there is less on the line in terms of what's expected of them I think they tend to make more lighthearted films or at least less violent or depressing films. Anyway, I too have been very impressed with the young filmmakers I've come to know and proudly worked with over the last two years and I hope to see more of their work on the big screen in the future.

Artists Break or Breaking Point:

Well, another late one coming at ya....sorry again for my tardiness on this post, I have been quite busy with oh so many film projects that I just seem to neglect some of my duties in the process. The reason I titled this post the way I did is because I feel like the moments in between the work are the moments that truly challenge the artist the most. Because these moments can be healthy breaks that allow for the clearing of the mind and problems long enough to clear the annoyances that may hinder. Or they can be unhealthy if abused or even misused or under appreciated. The issue for me is as I mentioned in class Monday; I can't seem to fully enjoy my downtime, yet I still take advantage of it by using the time as a release to just do something that can be mindlessly entertaining. More often than not though I find myself feeling guilty that I've spent so much time devoted to nothingness and the lack of productivity makes me feel like I have wasted so much time that I won't be able to get back or make up for. Now, this may seem to be a bit harsh, but I can't seem to allow myself to completely enjoy this time because deep down I know that I really should be a little more productive and not put off responsibilities. I have gotten better about allotting the right amount of time for both business and play, but more often than not I feel as if I allow the playtime to take on a certain fleeting feeling that makes it seem so very precious that any interruption to this time can seem like a much larger hindrance than it really is. For example, I have been so busy all week and I'm so very looking forward to a relaxing weekend...oh wait never mind I agreed to do a student film and it's going to take up my whole weekend. There will be no downtime. Here's where I've had to keep myself from falling into a trap of putting to high a priority on my downtime. I love making movies, it's what I'm passionate about, so something is not quite right if I feel like my time spent doing mindless activities takes precedent over the thing I'm most passionate about. So I've had to re-access my priorities here, especially this semester, because if I want to be in film I have to be fully committed. Often times that is going to mean that I have to sacrifice quiet alone time for busier schedules. However, I do say that it is still important to be able to take some time as an artist to disconnect and I will always allow myself mental health days no matter how busy I may become.

Advice on the Fly:

I picked up a good bit of cynicism from my interview with Anthony McMurray, yet he also expressed to me his fondness towards the time he spent at LSU. In truth, I think he felt very much mislead during his time there, but I can't help but feel that some of that blame was likely misplaced. Even though he did have some negative responses, I believe the positive influence of his time at LSU outweighed the negative experiences that might have occurred. I can understand how he feels however, because I feel in a small way, I felt mislead a little coming back to school as well. Mainly due to the fact that I was under the impression that the film and television concentration was far more advanced at LSU than it was, in reality it was all but non-existent at the time. This perspective has never swayed how much I've appreciated my time at LSU, but it did create a level of disappointment that I was surprised to feel given that I expected a totally different experience. However, looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. My time at LSU has been insanely influential and an incredibly positive experience. The people I've met and brought close to me personally in the time I've been here has been absolutely life changing, which alone made my time here so very invaluable. I find that now, this close to graduation, I am experiencing a tug o war of mixed feelings towards reaching the end goal. Part of me is so very ready to move on from the classroom setting, while another part of me is going to miss the structure of the environment and especially the people I've come to know and love. It's a very bittersweet feeling, a strong connection that I never thought I would experience and yet here I am feeling as if this chapter of my life is coming to a conclusion too soon. In this regard, I hope to stay around the university in order to contribute to the film and television concentration and impart upon future students what I've learned. Hopefully through the connections I've made an opportunity will come up in which I might be able to assist Josh Overbay to whatever capacity I can, in order to further establish an environment that students can create the art that they are so very passionate about. So, with that being said, I feel as if some of the best advice I could give to students coming into the program would be; Don't be too hard on yourself, try not to feel as if this moment in your life is the end all, be all chapter of which everything hinges upon. There is a world out there that will give you a chance if you approach it in the right way, college is not the last stop, it's a new beginning. Try not to get behind on deadlines and realize that you are privileged to be able to go to class because you are getting an education that will only serve to benefit you in the long run, but give you the ability to contribute your art to a much large community. Yes, have fun and party, but do so in moderation, just because you miss a party doesn't mean there won't be another next week, your priority is, make the grade, but even more so, learn something in the process, don't just go to class because you have to. There is so much more I could say, the reality is, that a teenager coming in to college is typically going to have a, know it all kind of mindset and that kind of enthusiasm can be a positive thing. However, that attitude will likely change, because it is the student who allows for the teachings to mold them into who they want to become that winds up benefitting the most from college. Those who don't allow for change, are forever destined to repeat and will likely look back and wish for a second chance.

Self Worth:

So, again, I'm slacking on the blog post deadline. I do apologize again, and I'll try not to fall behind on the next posting. So, it's taken me a long time to get to point in my life where I'm somewhat comfortable in the way I conduct myself and the image I feel I portray. I feel as I've gotten older I care less and less about how other people perceive me and instead have shifted focus to being true to my beliefs and holding true to the moral fiber which I believe has helped to keep me a fairly grounded individual. For a very long time I was concerned with how people perceived me, I suppose because my viewpoint was shifted in a way that made me feel I needed to live up to standards that not only stemmed from a misconstrued perception of my own interpretation of what I figured people expected out of me, but an insecurity that slowly built up over the years from my experiences being around superficial individuals that I allowed to control how I carried myself. I look back and realize that without this character defining experience I wouldn't be as conscious of how far I've come from the days of insecurity, because of these experiences I've further established myself as the individual I want to be and I feel I project my true nature to people without a need to cover up or hide the idiosyncrasies that define me. I think this is key to finding worth in ones self, the ability to not compromise opinion, or beliefs, to find in one's self the ability to recognize that the differences that define you are what make you an better defined individual. I'm typically pretty positive towards who perceive myself to be. I think that's because for a very long time I was quite negative in regard to my self worth. The majority of my life I was pretty insecure and typically kind of hard on myself in regard to my self image. Again, this is because I projected other peoples perceptions onto myself, I held myself up to standards that were not even remotely important to what should have served to better defined me, like for instance being concerned about how those closest to me perceived me instead of complete strangers. I still have days where I just feel off, in that I doubt that my abilities are going to get me anywhere, or that maybe none of my dreams for the future are going to pan out. In those moments I try to remind myself that I chose to pursue this course because I am passionate about film as a medium for story telling. The fact that I chose to do this in itself was a risk, but because I have the drive to make this happen I know that I will be capable of finding some worth to the endeavor regardless of the outcome. This will serve as another character building experience that hopefully will give me a boost in filling the need to establish my self worth for myself, not for anyone else.

Software Bugs:

First of all, thank you Dr. Fletcher for the very candid and forthright prompt. I know that we all face these kind of system functions that tend to give us reason to question and as you and Cameron both pointed out, this installed software isn't necessarily right for every system, often times upgrades are necessary. I related to this chapter particularly in regard to the areas relating to finances and budgeting, spending too much etc. So, my Dad is an amazing man and the best father anyone could ever ask for, no shit, my family is really close. Here's the thing though, my Dad started saving money and making budgets for himself before he even became a teenager......so yeah. While I've always been in awe by the fact at how smart and careful Dad is with his money, its also made me super self conscious of how I spend and save my money. This is something he's instilled in my sister and I...well and my Mom too for that matter, since we were kids. It's a weird catch-22 situation in that, Dad taught us(though it took a while to sink in) to be very cautious with our spending and never impulse buy, or be frivolous with our money. While this is very smart and saves you when you're in trouble, it also creates a feeling of guilt for every purchase you ever make. I literally get buyers remorse every time I buys something, especially a large expenditure, because I feel like I'm being irresponsible and granted sometimes I am. The thing is, Dad is right and he is so right that because he has always viewed money as something to be saved not spent, he has provided for his family and saved up so much of his hard earned dollar that we are all able to live comfortably and not have to worry about finances as much as the average American family. His heart has always been in the right place though, both Allie and I had to learn the hard way about how to save and how not to over spend and what it's like to have to work your way out of debt (even if it's just being indebted to your father). Yet, the ramifications of the feeling of guilt he also instilled from the response we would get from him anytime he found out we spent our money on something he felt was superfluous was enough to have a strongly negative lasting effect. Dad has gotten a lot better about this since he reached retirement, yet I still find myself unable to enjoy gifts to myself, because I have been made to feel like I'm wasting money or not worth treating myself to something I want. While on the other hand I can recognize that, well, often times I am wasting money and it would have been smart to not buy a Wii U because, what's this, oh I just got in a car accident the very next week and now have to pay for all that mess in addition to my frivolous expenditure....great, I should have known better. I guess the reality is, that Dad's way, is exactly the way everyone should be with their finances, but the way he chose to instill this information on us at an early age was a mixed bag and ultimately made us look at him as a 'miser' as opposed to our caretaker. This had lasting effects that are hard to undo, but I am trying, because it comes from a good place and my Father has given so much to secure a good life for his family that I could never fault him for that.

Synchronicity:

This one is coming to you super late and I do apologize, but I have had a crazy busy week and even crazier weekend. I'm on my second student film project of the semester and the whole process has been fairly positive with the exception of the fact that we're incredibly behind schedule. So, while this post will be short and sweet...and late, I still have a good reason why synchronicity applies to where I am at today and where I was coming from before the moment occurred. It seems like I bring up the moment in my life where I was faced with the decision to quit a well paying secure job, to come back to school a lot. I do, and it's because this moment in my life has been the quintessential moment thus far, which established who I am now and determined so much of what has changed my life for the better, that I must accept how profound of a moment this has become. In this moment of choosing a new life path I went through so many different feelings, yet the strongest throughout was my ability to hold on to the hope, that I was making the right decision and that I would be ok no matter what the outcome. Had I not have made the decision to come back to school.....I would have been miserable to say the least, but not only that I wouldn't be the person I am now and I feel much more confident in myself than I ever have prior to this overall experience. I may have said this before in previous ramblings and it may sound incredibly cheesy, but this experience has really changed my life for the better and I so happy that I let a hope for a better way of being lead me to a more in sync level of happiness and strength in my life.