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So, me at the beginning of 2014 fall semester....wow, so much has changed in such a small amount of time. The biggest difference by far is the breath of fresh air addition of Josh Overbay to the theatre department. The fact that Josh came in and did as much as he did is such an overwhelmingly positive change that I truly didn't expect to happen. The fact that I went from not having any experience acting in film roles summer of 2014 to being in three different films by the end of the year was just an unexpected amazing surprise that I could never have expected and yet it happened because of the opportunities presented to me by a new and very talented new film professor. Not only was I able to get time in front of the camera, I was also able to work behind the scenes and get technical hands on experience with nice professional film equipment. These experiences were invaluable in my time at LSU and honestly the last thing I expected to have happen given the fact that I had devoted a year and a half to thinking LSU had nothing to offer to me but strictly theatre experience and there would be no more than an inkling of film experience at the end of my time here. Thankfully I can now walk away from LSU with a completely different outlook. At the beggning of my time here I never would have expected to have garnered such a well rounded experience for myself. I honestly thought coming in to LSU that I would walk away with a basic understanding of theatre and film and instead I feel that I have learned so many different facets of both film and theatre. There have been classes that I've felt were a waste of time in the process, but even still, I have been able to take something away from them if only just good memories working with my peers. When I look back at me in class during January 2013 and look at myself now I find it hard to believe it's all coming to an end. That first semester the entire department and myself were in a completely different mindset. So much has changed and I'd say overall, for the better. I can say however that I wish Josh could have shown up earlier during my time here, or even more so I would wish that the film concentration would have been further established before my coming here. Honestly though, I believe everything worked out for me the best it could while I was here and really, I wouldn't change a thing. One thing that surprises me about myself is that I still allow myself to stress easily about looming projects or deadlines. I don't handle that very well, I never have. Actually stress isn't necessarily the right word. More so, I get anxious about deadlines, I really don't like to have something hovering over my head. If I have to get something done I typically do it immediately. I haven't learned to handle things that require patience over quick completion very well. While I was presented with several opportunities to prepare better for looming deadlines or projects that resulted in a bit of anxiety I typically had the mindset of "I just want to get this done" as opposed to " I look forward to completing this" which I would really like to change. While I feel coming back to college helped me get better at managing this mindset, it didn't really bring forth a change of mind that I might have liked. Regardless, my time at LSU has definitely changed me for the better and I will always look back at my time here with a fondness that I will never forget.

Yet again, I have fallen behind on my blogging duties so this one will be short and sweet. I too was a part of the movie screenings two weeks back and even though I was in several of these short films; I too recognized that there was an all too familiar theme to these movies. That of gun violence and female characters being portrayed as lynch pins in order for the male protagonists to undergo a significant character arch. I think the exception to this rule came with Heavy Eyes in which the female protagonist was the main character and she was put forth in order to progress the story. Yet even still the character was basically a pawn in which the male characters used in order to undergo a significant change. I think part of this is because the filmmakers we have in our department are mostly male, for the most part. However, I have been present in Josh's digital post production class and I have seen many wonderful films that these students produced as an assignment. The class is pretty evenly split in terms of gender and both the male and female students have put forth some wonderful films that have had both female and male protagonists that don't rely on violence or other negative stereotypical tropes to move the story forward. My conclusion is, that when the student film maker feels they have to make a poignant serious film they need strong images of violence, alcohol abuse etc in order to get the point across. Yet, when they feel there is less on the line in terms of what's expected of them I think they tend to make more lighthearted films or at least less violent or depressing films. Anyway, I too have been very impressed with the young filmmakers I've come to know and proudly worked with over the last two years and I hope to see more of their work on the big screen in the future.

Artists Break or Breaking Point:

Well, another late one coming at ya....sorry again for my tardiness on this post, I have been quite busy with oh so many film projects that I just seem to neglect some of my duties in the process. The reason I titled this post the way I did is because I feel like the moments in between the work are the moments that truly challenge the artist the most. Because these moments can be healthy breaks that allow for the clearing of the mind and problems long enough to clear the annoyances that may hinder. Or they can be unhealthy if abused or even misused or under appreciated. The issue for me is as I mentioned in class Monday; I can't seem to fully enjoy my downtime, yet I still take advantage of it by using the time as a release to just do something that can be mindlessly entertaining. More often than not though I find myself feeling guilty that I've spent so much time devoted to nothingness and the lack of productivity makes me feel like I have wasted so much time that I won't be able to get back or make up for. Now, this may seem to be a bit harsh, but I can't seem to allow myself to completely enjoy this time because deep down I know that I really should be a little more productive and not put off responsibilities. I have gotten better about allotting the right amount of time for both business and play, but more often than not I feel as if I allow the playtime to take on a certain fleeting feeling that makes it seem so very precious that any interruption to this time can seem like a much larger hindrance than it really is. For example, I have been so busy all week and I'm so very looking forward to a relaxing weekend...oh wait never mind I agreed to do a student film and it's going to take up my whole weekend. There will be no downtime. Here's where I've had to keep myself from falling into a trap of putting to high a priority on my downtime. I love making movies, it's what I'm passionate about, so something is not quite right if I feel like my time spent doing mindless activities takes precedent over the thing I'm most passionate about. So I've had to re-access my priorities here, especially this semester, because if I want to be in film I have to be fully committed. Often times that is going to mean that I have to sacrifice quiet alone time for busier schedules. However, I do say that it is still important to be able to take some time as an artist to disconnect and I will always allow myself mental health days no matter how busy I may become.

Advice on the Fly:

I picked up a good bit of cynicism from my interview with Anthony McMurray, yet he also expressed to me his fondness towards the time he spent at LSU. In truth, I think he felt very much mislead during his time there, but I can't help but feel that some of that blame was likely misplaced. Even though he did have some negative responses, I believe the positive influence of his time at LSU outweighed the negative experiences that might have occurred. I can understand how he feels however, because I feel in a small way, I felt mislead a little coming back to school as well. Mainly due to the fact that I was under the impression that the film and television concentration was far more advanced at LSU than it was, in reality it was all but non-existent at the time. This perspective has never swayed how much I've appreciated my time at LSU, but it did create a level of disappointment that I was surprised to feel given that I expected a totally different experience. However, looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. My time at LSU has been insanely influential and an incredibly positive experience. The people I've met and brought close to me personally in the time I've been here has been absolutely life changing, which alone made my time here so very invaluable. I find that now, this close to graduation, I am experiencing a tug o war of mixed feelings towards reaching the end goal. Part of me is so very ready to move on from the classroom setting, while another part of me is going to miss the structure of the environment and especially the people I've come to know and love. It's a very bittersweet feeling, a strong connection that I never thought I would experience and yet here I am feeling as if this chapter of my life is coming to a conclusion too soon. In this regard, I hope to stay around the university in order to contribute to the film and television concentration and impart upon future students what I've learned. Hopefully through the connections I've made an opportunity will come up in which I might be able to assist Josh Overbay to whatever capacity I can, in order to further establish an environment that students can create the art that they are so very passionate about. So, with that being said, I feel as if some of the best advice I could give to students coming into the program would be; Don't be too hard on yourself, try not to feel as if this moment in your life is the end all, be all chapter of which everything hinges upon. There is a world out there that will give you a chance if you approach it in the right way, college is not the last stop, it's a new beginning. Try not to get behind on deadlines and realize that you are privileged to be able to go to class because you are getting an education that will only serve to benefit you in the long run, but give you the ability to contribute your art to a much large community. Yes, have fun and party, but do so in moderation, just because you miss a party doesn't mean there won't be another next week, your priority is, make the grade, but even more so, learn something in the process, don't just go to class because you have to. There is so much more I could say, the reality is, that a teenager coming in to college is typically going to have a, know it all kind of mindset and that kind of enthusiasm can be a positive thing. However, that attitude will likely change, because it is the student who allows for the teachings to mold them into who they want to become that winds up benefitting the most from college. Those who don't allow for change, are forever destined to repeat and will likely look back and wish for a second chance.

Self Worth:

So, again, I'm slacking on the blog post deadline. I do apologize again, and I'll try not to fall behind on the next posting. So, it's taken me a long time to get to point in my life where I'm somewhat comfortable in the way I conduct myself and the image I feel I portray. I feel as I've gotten older I care less and less about how other people perceive me and instead have shifted focus to being true to my beliefs and holding true to the moral fiber which I believe has helped to keep me a fairly grounded individual. For a very long time I was concerned with how people perceived me, I suppose because my viewpoint was shifted in a way that made me feel I needed to live up to standards that not only stemmed from a misconstrued perception of my own interpretation of what I figured people expected out of me, but an insecurity that slowly built up over the years from my experiences being around superficial individuals that I allowed to control how I carried myself. I look back and realize that without this character defining experience I wouldn't be as conscious of how far I've come from the days of insecurity, because of these experiences I've further established myself as the individual I want to be and I feel I project my true nature to people without a need to cover up or hide the idiosyncrasies that define me. I think this is key to finding worth in ones self, the ability to not compromise opinion, or beliefs, to find in one's self the ability to recognize that the differences that define you are what make you an better defined individual. I'm typically pretty positive towards who perceive myself to be. I think that's because for a very long time I was quite negative in regard to my self worth. The majority of my life I was pretty insecure and typically kind of hard on myself in regard to my self image. Again, this is because I projected other peoples perceptions onto myself, I held myself up to standards that were not even remotely important to what should have served to better defined me, like for instance being concerned about how those closest to me perceived me instead of complete strangers. I still have days where I just feel off, in that I doubt that my abilities are going to get me anywhere, or that maybe none of my dreams for the future are going to pan out. In those moments I try to remind myself that I chose to pursue this course because I am passionate about film as a medium for story telling. The fact that I chose to do this in itself was a risk, but because I have the drive to make this happen I know that I will be capable of finding some worth to the endeavor regardless of the outcome. This will serve as another character building experience that hopefully will give me a boost in filling the need to establish my self worth for myself, not for anyone else.

Software Bugs:

First of all, thank you Dr. Fletcher for the very candid and forthright prompt. I know that we all face these kind of system functions that tend to give us reason to question and as you and Cameron both pointed out, this installed software isn't necessarily right for every system, often times upgrades are necessary. I related to this chapter particularly in regard to the areas relating to finances and budgeting, spending too much etc. So, my Dad is an amazing man and the best father anyone could ever ask for, no shit, my family is really close. Here's the thing though, my Dad started saving money and making budgets for himself before he even became a teenager......so yeah. While I've always been in awe by the fact at how smart and careful Dad is with his money, its also made me super self conscious of how I spend and save my money. This is something he's instilled in my sister and I...well and my Mom too for that matter, since we were kids. It's a weird catch-22 situation in that, Dad taught us(though it took a while to sink in) to be very cautious with our spending and never impulse buy, or be frivolous with our money. While this is very smart and saves you when you're in trouble, it also creates a feeling of guilt for every purchase you ever make. I literally get buyers remorse every time I buys something, especially a large expenditure, because I feel like I'm being irresponsible and granted sometimes I am. The thing is, Dad is right and he is so right that because he has always viewed money as something to be saved not spent, he has provided for his family and saved up so much of his hard earned dollar that we are all able to live comfortably and not have to worry about finances as much as the average American family. His heart has always been in the right place though, both Allie and I had to learn the hard way about how to save and how not to over spend and what it's like to have to work your way out of debt (even if it's just being indebted to your father). Yet, the ramifications of the feeling of guilt he also instilled from the response we would get from him anytime he found out we spent our money on something he felt was superfluous was enough to have a strongly negative lasting effect. Dad has gotten a lot better about this since he reached retirement, yet I still find myself unable to enjoy gifts to myself, because I have been made to feel like I'm wasting money or not worth treating myself to something I want. While on the other hand I can recognize that, well, often times I am wasting money and it would have been smart to not buy a Wii U because, what's this, oh I just got in a car accident the very next week and now have to pay for all that mess in addition to my frivolous expenditure....great, I should have known better. I guess the reality is, that Dad's way, is exactly the way everyone should be with their finances, but the way he chose to instill this information on us at an early age was a mixed bag and ultimately made us look at him as a 'miser' as opposed to our caretaker. This had lasting effects that are hard to undo, but I am trying, because it comes from a good place and my Father has given so much to secure a good life for his family that I could never fault him for that.

Synchronicity:

This one is coming to you super late and I do apologize, but I have had a crazy busy week and even crazier weekend. I'm on my second student film project of the semester and the whole process has been fairly positive with the exception of the fact that we're incredibly behind schedule. So, while this post will be short and sweet...and late, I still have a good reason why synchronicity applies to where I am at today and where I was coming from before the moment occurred. It seems like I bring up the moment in my life where I was faced with the decision to quit a well paying secure job, to come back to school a lot. I do, and it's because this moment in my life has been the quintessential moment thus far, which established who I am now and determined so much of what has changed my life for the better, that I must accept how profound of a moment this has become. In this moment of choosing a new life path I went through so many different feelings, yet the strongest throughout was my ability to hold on to the hope, that I was making the right decision and that I would be ok no matter what the outcome. Had I not have made the decision to come back to school.....I would have been miserable to say the least, but not only that I wouldn't be the person I am now and I feel much more confident in myself than I ever have prior to this overall experience. I may have said this before in previous ramblings and it may sound incredibly cheesy, but this experience has really changed my life for the better and I so happy that I let a hope for a better way of being lead me to a more in sync level of happiness and strength in my life.

From 2009 to 2012 I slowly found myself slipping further and further down the rabbit hole of a dead end job at the YMCA in Shreveport and it made me question everything about myself up to that point. I had become so lost at the job that I had not only grown accustomed to the fact that I was stuck there, but I began to accept that there would no longer be any opportunity for advancement.  This feeling of loss stemmed further in that I began to face feelings of a loss of self worth and I started to just accept that whatever talents I might have had where just going to be wasted. I really had lost myself for a time and not only that the person who I was becoming was becoming unrecognizable and I didn't care for him at all. I went to work I came home, and I repeated and I resented the fact that that I was settling and this 9 to 5 routine of loneliness was starting to just, take over my life. This is likely the best example I have of a time in which I experienced a Kriya in the manner that Cameron describes was when I was faced with the decision to leave the job on a hope and a prayer that my plan to return to school would pan out. I knew that it was not going to be an easy decision, one that would likely lead me into a relatively uncertain future and so I struggled with the decision for a while. Ultimately when I made the decision to just go for it I felt an incredible sense of uncertainty yes, but more than anything there was a level of freedom that I had never felt before and even that alone was worth the feelings of fear and doubt.
My hope at this point for me by the time I'm 50, will be that I can look back and see some, hell, any accomplishments in film whether mainstream or independent that I can be proud of both in front of and behind the camera. If I can be a steady working Actor or Director, that would be phenomenal. By the time I'm 80 I would hope that I will have had a career in film that spanned decades back with my time at LSU serving as the vaulting point at which my life changed for the better. I hope that I will have continued down the path that brought about the least amount of regret for missed opportunities or relationships, as it has thus far. I can only hope that I can be happy and look back with a fondness for how it was, an appreciation for how it is, and a hope for peace for how it will be.
Ha, man I was a weird kid. I usually isolated myself from others, but I had friends and often incorporated the things I liked into time spent with them.....Yet, the best memories I have, are of me and an 8mm camera making dinky little movies with my toys or with me acting.....most of the time I was doing so by myself. The only world I've ever known is a world that is engulfed in a love and passion for movies and the magic that resonates from the stories films create. Movies are what have defined me, I have an incredibly strong connection that stems all the way back to being a child when my grandfather and I would go see countless movies on a regular basis. This is how it started and from as early as 5 years old movies and television have truly defined me and helped shape me into who I am today. So when I look back at myself at 8 and realize that while I'm taller and yeah, maybe a little more jaded, I haven't lost that sense of what defines me and makes me happy, so I must be doing something right.

Shame:

I tend to lean towards agreeing with the concept that shaming someone stems from that individual's intent to initially hurt you. Shame is dangerous because it is a form of betrayal amongst our peers. There is an unwritten agreement between individuals that states, keep my personal stuff private and typically shaming someone focuses on a person's weaknesses. Shame usually rears its head in instances in which people offend someone on a very personal level in these instances because emotions run high and dictate response oftentimes the victim can either remain the victim or become a prosecutor themselves. When an individual intends to hurt someone else they tend to bring up something about that person that will bring them shame or embarrassment. We see examples of this in the media all the time, from political scandals to Hollywood intrigue. Shame is just another way people make individuals feel bad about themselves in order to take the spotlight off of their own shortcomings. And really I think that is what it boils down to, shaming someone is essentially a defense mechanism for the insecure, implemented in order to take the spotlight off of them. The person who has been shamed on the other hand can either admit to said fault or ignore it, either way they must deal with the repercussions directly. Yet, it's interesting to note that, the only reason they must face the fallout of their shaming is in order to make clear with society where they stand on the matter. Shame is a shared response, you feel the shame because you know others are aware that you're shameful. I think there is a lesson to learn there; in that, to some degree we should stop putting so much emphasis on what others think about us in order to ensure we are living our lives on our terms. I think a decent sense of self consciousness is a good thing, because it helps to further define you. However, the people who let other people's opinions of them dictate their way of life should truly reconsider where their priorities lie or they shall never live a healthy satisfied life.
I cant seem to recall any specific moments in my life where a person has tried to shame me in order to make themselves look better, but I know that it happened to me quite a few times growing up. Particularly instances in which I was picked on, which were all fairly minor instances, but I can recall a few in which the individual was likely doing so because they had their own insecurities to deal with and they were projecting that onto me.
I think there actually is a difference between the implications of shame and guilt, but the two go hand in hand with realizations of our insecurities. Shame is just another form of guilt in a way and vise versa. Typically these two feelings draw off one another, it just depends on how the person can quantify their feelings in a personal way and determine whether or not these feelings will motivate them to make up for, or move on from their actions. So really, the question is more like, what is the Reaction To shame or guilt and is it the same if an individual feels more one way or the other. For instance, if I feel guilty that I stole a car because I know I shouldn't have and I also feel shame because I know the individual whom I stole it from; the feelings are incredibly similar, yet either way these feelings mean nothing if I don't take action and decide to turn myself in, or just bottle the emotions and move on. I guess my point is that no matter what emotions we experience, it's the actions that truly define us. And that before we can ever make any progress in life, we must choose to make sense of our emotions and act upon them through rational thought, first and foremost.

The Crazymakers: a.k.a, another post in which I ramble on........

The individuals in the film industry that would likely be labeled crazymaker, amongst other things, would display personality traits of a sociopathic nature in which they exude a lack of remorse towards others misfortune and are all but incapable of empathizing with other individuals. I have seen this on display to some degree in the little professional experience I have had on film sets and any time I see this lack of care towards other people it always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I find that these individuals are likely very unhappy with their lives and so they typically feel that other people's misfortune is actually something that they feed off of in order to feel better about their own troubled life. In my opinion this is the worse kind of crazymaker in that, this individual is capable of damaging relationships permanently because they are not willing to care for others. It's typically easy to spot these individuals because they are usually hostile when interacting with others on set and tend to alienate people in order to make a point. This form of crazymaking is just as volatile in this instance, because in a professional setting there is typically a trickle down effect that winds up causing problems with more than just the individual directly involved. An interesting thing to me is how I could even argue that the way the industry is set up actually feeds the crazymaker personality. The fast paced, always changing, sometimes hostile environment becomes a breeding ground for individuals to use and abuse power sometimes just for the sake of doing. I believe this occurs because sometimes crazymakers work their way up through manipulation and deceit, then find themselves in a position of power and continue to abuse their underlings just because they can. As you might imagine this creates a very hostile work environment and often times that is the case on a film set in which the higher ups cause more problems than fix them.
When I think back to crazymakers that I've come across in my personal life there are fortunately only a few shining examples that come to mind. Fortunately these individuals where just people I thought were my friends, not family members and I was able to distance myself from them after realizing their nature. Even still, the crazymakers in my life have been the lesser evil compared to the true definition of the term. There were two friends in particular that I had come in to my life several years back that just wanted to make people miserable because that's how they felt. These guys were just the type to never be satisfied with anything and they wanted to project this disappointment onto their friends. It got to the point to where I realized that there was no friendship I could give back to them that would ever be good enough. So eventually I had to distance myself from these people otherwise I would find myself circling the bowl of depression along with them. It's sad when this happens because I always tend to look for the best in people despite the blaring shortcomings and especially in this situation where these people were my friends, I always felt that I could help. The realization I had is that some people just don't want to be helped and I believe this could be considered another form of what defines a crazymaker. I haven't had to deal with any of this type of drama in my family fortunately but I have friends who have family members that are the very definition of a crazymaker and this concept has always felt foreign to me given that my family is so very close. I just think it's incredibly sad that a person whom you should trust and be close to, can essentially betray you and make you feel insignificant. I know it's a bleak perhaps extreme way to deal with the situation, but I truly believe that after a certain amount of time the only thing you can do is sever ties with these individuals. I also recognize the fact that it's easy for me to say because I don't have family members like this, but again, if an individual isn't willing to help themselves then there's only so much you can do.

Post 3: The Super Late Edition.

This is absurd, I'm having a really hard time thinking of an example for a moment that some form of criticism rocked me or made for an impactful moment in my life and I know there has got to be something....... I'm sure there is a moment along the way that occurred, but I'm afraid whatever it was did not leave a lasting impression enough for me to have remembered. I have definitely had moments where I felt that my work or the expression of my craft failed to live up to the expectations that I expected from my peers. I know exactly what it feels like to put something out there and not get hardly any feedback at all, which to me is almost just as if not worse than receiving negative feedback. I think that I typically tend to take all criticism or praise or whatever it may be with a grain of salt, perhaps its just a level of cynicism that I've reached in my life but I tend to shy away from taking word at face value. By this I mean, passing comments or impromptu conversations that don't last long and equate to just small talk nonsense that doesn't benefit either person involved. I typically loathe the very concept of small talk or conversing just to fill the silence. To me that's what passing criticism typically winds up being; forced or just banter that is brought about by a need to not only fill the void, but to placate the other person in order to avoid an awkward situation. This is true of most individuals, but not all. I truly admire people who cut through the bullshit and are completely honest, but particularly those who do it in the most considerately genuine and constructive way.....which is not easy. I tend to be the person who doesn't want to make things awkward when it comes to those passing conversations or really confrontations. However, if you get me in a quiet place and talk to me one on one, I will typically open up and have a genuine conversation that I feel will actually bring about constructive feedback that I feel is genuinely expressing my stance on the matter.
The one thing you have to learn in life is how to take a punch and get back up on your feet. Life is full of punches and sometimes you're going to get hard and you may even get knocked out, but the main thing to remember is that you can always get back up if you believe you can. In the industry we've chosen there will always be people who don't like you, who are envious or jealous of you etc. There is no way you will get anywhere in life if you allow the opinions of others to make you stagnant in your life and career. Take both the constructive criticisms and harsh scathing comments in stride and remember that you can learn from  the bad experiences even more than you can from the good.

Fortune Cookie Wisdom:

Without moments of failure, one cannot recognize what it truly means to succeed.

Fear:

I think too often we associate fear as a negative response that which carries with it a feeling of isolation and sometimes even shame. I think ideally as individuals we should strive to accept fear as simply, a survival instinct that has evolved into something much more, a consciousness of self worth. Fear plays a major role in how we respond to the environment of any given situation. Whether it be social anxiety, fear of failure, or even fear of death in dire situations, fear is a driving force in which individuals learn to adapt to survive. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier to cope with the fact that fear can lead to inward struggles of doubt and sadness as well. This is because fear can take on many forms of negativity given the mindset of the individual. Too often, especially for artists, a constant stream of failures or denial of self worth can lead to a very negative, often insurmountable feelings of the loss of self worth. This why so often you see artists turn to substance abuse or quit the business altogether, because they cannot deal with the negative repercussions to their self esteem/ ego. This is where the fear of not being good enough, or the fear of no longer being relevant can play a major part in artist's lives, because without these affirmations the artist can no longer find any self worth. This is a scary, but true realization that all artistically minded individuals must struggle with at some point; Am I good enough, I'm afraid I've become creatively stagnant with my art, what do I do now? This is what happens when fear becomes an overwhelmingly negative force that will beat you to the ground if you let it. Now, I by no means claim to have figured out the key to manipulating my fears and turning them into positive energy. I do however believe that there is a positive way to approach thoughts of negativity in relation to fears that may crop up in our lives. Social anxieties, stage fright, the fear of illness and death, yeah this stuff happens, we think about these things because we are human. It is in our nature to want to preserve our lives in the most positive way possible. The issue is that fear has evolved along with mankind, fear is no longer associated with, run from big animals trying to kill you. It has taken on a more internal form given the fact that we no longer have just a few basic human needs to satiate, we now have an expansive list of needs that we as a society have created for ourselves in order to live comfortably. So as with anything we can't fully comprehend, we begin to fear that sense of the unknown and given the very nature of human existence this fear of not knowing can be maddening to say the least. I have experienced this form of fear on several occasions and more often than not, even though I may not have wanted to confront it, I have persevered and moved forward through the darkness despite the lack of light to guide my way. Throughout my life I've made choices that have brought me to where I am, sometimes good, sometimes not so good. However, it was instilled in me through my upbringing that you should always 'look before you leap'. I always have a plan for the next big step, yet there is always a fear of failure, or regret that perhaps I will be making the wrong decision or that I'll regret leaving behind what feels comfortable or safe. The reality is, that those moments we choose to change are the real moments that define us. The basic human nature of not remaining content is what drives the fear away when it seems to be holding us back. Having the will to persevere and not look back is sometimes all it takes to turn fear into fuel to ignite the spark of life you need, right when you need it.

In regard to Anger:

I found that this particular topic struck an unexpected chord with me and I'm still not 100% certain that I can articulate why. I found it interesting to hear that most everyone in class expressed that they deal with anger through internalization and suppression. I think that really says something about our roles in society and how certain standards dictate who we believe we are. I am not a person who is prone to outbursts by any means, I could count on one hand how many times I've actually had a moment of expressing my anger outwardly. The reality hit me that, because of our socially defined rules we feel that we are expected to suppress these emotions and not allow them to break our composure defined as the social norm. Those moments in which an individual breaks out of themselves and outwardly expresses anger are typically met with a wide array of emotional responses in return, because seeing anger not only shocks others, it stirs in them a reactionary instinct that goes back to basic primal survival needs. Also on the flip side of the coin it could be argued that the suppression of anger can actually be a good thing, sometimes the ability to push aside those feelings can allow rational thought to dictate choices in a given situation that could be as serious as life or death. Going back to my personal experience with anger........I was basically brought up with the mindset of picking your battles and suppressing anger by always trying to remain as logical as possible in a situation that might evoke such strong emotions. I don't think I was ever sat down and talked to specifically about this, but I know that I've modeled myself after my parents in most regards so I would say that I somehow formed this assessment by years of observation. I can also remember instances growing up, getting into altercations with students in school in which I learned the hard way that it's not always easy to push emotion aside/manage feelings of anger. I recall a few minor fights with kids in which I let my emotion get the best of me and wound up embarrassing myself, because I had never been in a fight before and I was just letting anger fuel a fire that had no business burning. Really though, I would say that my life was free from anger growing up for the most part and I am very fortunate to have had and still have a great family that have always been supportive to what choices I made along the way. I would say that my turning point came several years ago, after ending a four year relationship with my girlfriend which was a total blindside experience to me. Obviously given the non-mutual nature of this split I was very upset and dealt with a lot of anger and other irrational emotions. This event changed me, it made me realize that people who you truly believe you trust, can turn on you and fully betray that trust without remorse. I can honestly say that this realization of human fallibility hurt me more in the long run than the actual breakup. I find that I still internalize a lot of my anger, when and if I experience it, I have a conscious sense of knowing that there are certain things I will allow myself to be angry about and I find that this compartmentalizing helps manage irrational feelings to a certain degree. I'm well aware that this doesn't work for all individuals and it may not even be a good way to approach these emotions, but I'm not sure that other approaches would work for me. In regard to the artistic application of anger I would say that my experience in the rehearsal process has been minimal at best. The productions I had a chance to be a part of went rather well overall and never saw any form of altercation that reached a point of anger. In my performances, more so on film I have leaned more towards violent characters who tend to lash out unexpectedly. Interestingly enough, last semester I worked on a student film in which I portrayed a low level murderous thug who tends to be hot headed and fly off the handle. Anyone who knows me would probably agree that those aren't exactly my personality traits....anyway, in one scene my character and the other two thugs he works with are supposed to take this guy out and instead at the last minute they get the order to spare the guy. Well, this guy starts prodding my character and so I'm supposed to lash out with my knife and kill him. On the first take I did this scene without prior rehearsal and as I did performed my actions a burst of anger came out of me and I lost my actor focus for a minute and the anger became real of an emotion as can be described. As I feigned stabbing the actor I barked out some obscenities dropped his; still in character body to the floor and exited the scene leaving my fellow actors taken aback by this outburst as they halfway broke character for a split second. As the director yelled cut you could feel an uneasiness in the room, I'm not meaning to imply that my acting was so outstanding that people were dumbfounded, my point is that everyone including myself, was not expecting to see or feel the way we did in that moment. The anger that came out of me was a strangely cathartic for me which is interesting to note, but it also took me aback as well, because I was surprised just how dangerously close to feeling real that moment became. Anyway, I digress, but I shall leave you with the sage advice of Master Splinter from Ninja Turtles lore, " Anger clouds the mind. Turned inward, it is an unconquerable enemy. Possess the right thinking. Only then can one receive the gifts of strength, knowledge, and peace."